It is no secret that I am definitely my own worst enemy sometimes.
Okay - most of the time.
I have mentioned my "crippling self doubt" before, and honestly it's scary to talk about soo publicly. Mainly because I am starting a business, and I really don't want people to truly know the fear I feel inside.
As far as we may have come talking about mental and emotional well being, we are by no means there yet by any stretch of the imagination. It's tough to live in a world where people are so quick to judge if you admit that any part of your mind may not be okely-dokely. To admit that you doubt yourself, that you are not all "I CAN DO THIS" and "BOSS LADY", that sometimes you're just simply asking yourself "Why am I doing this??" over and over again.
Very few will actually come forward and admit that they too are struggling. That not everything is sunshine and rainbows. And that that is OKAY. It's all part of the process.
After I gained the confidence I initially lacked in the motherhood department a new lack of confidence began reigning supreme - work.
I love my industry. I believe I am good at what I do and I know that I have the ability to achieve and do great things, yet despite all of this my mind holds me back.
I left my job towards the end of last year and embarked on the risky and scary journey of freelancing and consulting. Yet my mind is my own worst enemy - telling me that I don't "have enough experience", that "people will laugh at me" and that "I may as well just throw in the towel". These thoughts overwhelm and consume me sometimes. They threaten to ruin what will no doubt be a very good thing.
And then I pause, and force myself to remember that I have stuck with it for close to 6 months now, and yes business is not exactly booming just yet but it's growing. My list of clients is expanding and while I may not be earning much money I'm earning incredible experience that I can build on and grow with. That on paper everything is actually okay and that I need to train my mind to be okay too; to run with these positive vibes no matter how much self-doubt may be lurking just beneath the surface.
It's taken me a long time to admit to some of the things I have struggled with to myself. And it's taken even longer to be comfortable telling people I know. And EVEN LONGER to actually go sit in a therapists office and open up about all of those feelings and struggles. And it will no doubt take a little bit longer to feel completely confident in myself, my abilities and my business. And that is all OKAY (say it with me people).
Maybe if we just spoke about our mental health more, enabled more conversations to take place about mental health and how it's okay to not feel okay then maybe the subject would lose the final restraints of taboo it currently holds and people like me would not feel the shackles of self-doubt quite as strongly as we do now. We'd know that it's okay, normal even, and that we can push through with the right amount of effort and communal support.
So here's to self-doubt and start ups. Cheers!
Let me know what you struggle with, and how you cope. Would love to start a conversation!